The Funniest Joke About Communication I Ever Heard

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Just Can’t Communicate

I heard Zig Ziglar tell this joke about communication many years ago.

A woman meets with an attorney and says “I want to divorce my husband!“

“OK” the attorney responds, “let’s start with a few questions first.”

“Like what?” she asks.

“Well, do you have any grounds?”

“Yes, we have about 5 acres out in the country.”

“No, I mean do you have a grudge?”

“No, but we have a nice, wide carport and a storage shed.”

“Let me ask this a different way. Do you have any complaints about him?”

“Like what?”

“Well, does he beat you up?”

“No, I’m up at least an hour before him every day.”

“Well, what about your role here? Do you ever wake up grouchy?”

“No, when he’s in a bad mood I just let him sleep.”

Exasperated, the attorney finally asks, “Why exactly do you want to get a divorce?”

“Well,” she replies, “the guy just can’t communicate!”

Communication Fail

Our biggest struggle with communication is when we simply assume it happened. You can hear the assumption in the language people use. You may have heard statements like this from others or even coming out of your own mouth. I know I have.

“It made perfect sense to me!”

“How could I be any clearer?!”

“Why can’t you understand this?!”

“What do I have to do to get through to you?!”

“Do I have to say it again?!”

Yes, You Do

So the assumption that communication happened just because we said something is a strong impulse. And despite evidence again and again that it doesn’t work that way, we persist. And communication fails.

Did you ever play the Telephone Game when you were a kid? You may remember how it’s played. Everyone sits or stands next to each other. One person whispers something in the next person’s ear, usually some silly phrase or complex sentence. That person then whispers it to the next and so on until everyone hears it. The last person then repeats what they heard, which is usually only vaguely related to what the first person said.

Why does it come out like that? Shouldn’t the message successfully pass along accurately every time? In fact, it almost never does. Here are some reasons why:

As listeners, we are not always focused as much as we should be on what is being said. Since the speaker can only say the phrase once, we have to rely on what we think was said.
Related to that, our brain tends to fill in the unfamiliar with the familiar. So words that were missed get substituted with words we know.
As speakers, our own tone, inflection, pronunciation, and mindset effect how the words come out.

Communication Success

Relating that to our daily communication, what we say and how we say it has a great effect on what people hear. The environment in which the conversation took place makes a difference. The mindset of the listener also has an impact on what they hear and how they interpret it.

So for communication to be successful it is important to be aware of our own emotions and attitudes. We must also be mindful of the emotions and attitudes of the listener. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is angry or upset or fearful or stressed? How about when you were angry or upset or fearful or stressed? How well did that really go?

A farmer who wants to grow crops doesn’t just throw seeds out and hope they grow. The farmer will prepare the environment where he wants things to grow. He might till the ground so the dirt is fresh and airy. He might fertilize and water the ground. When spreading the seeds, he might make sure they end up in the right place for optimal growth. When he sets up the environment correctly, anticipates weather and other conditions that can negatively impact the crops, and provides ongoing care then the farmer can enjoy a successful harvest.

Tips for Better Communication

If we truly desire to communicate successfully, like a farmer sowing seeds, we have to make sure we have the right environment.

Check Your Own Emotions. When we are emotionally charged we are more concerned with having our say than we are with communicating.
Check the Listener’s Emotions. While sometimes it is unavoidable, it’s best to not attempt communication when the other person is experiencing high emotions before the conversation begins.
Choose Words Familiar with the Other Person. You ever have someone talk to you with jargon totally unfamiliar to you? People connect better with words they already have a relationship with.
Ask for Understanding. Don’t assume they know what you mean. Ask them to repeat back what they hear you to say. It keeps them involved in the communication and it ensures that it actually occurs.

So, I’m curious. What’s the funniest or dumbest thing you have heard someone say during a communication breakdown? Share it here in the comments or email me at psimkins@BoldlyLead.com.

Leadership Lessons Learned from my Father

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Leadership Truly Starts at Home

The Passing of a Leader

My father, Paul F. Simkins, Sr., passed away recently after a year and half battle with cancer. He left a tremendous legacy in his chosen field, the Credit Union industry. He was a pioneer, helping lead the way in community charters. He founded an ATM network for credit unions that is now the largest in the nation. He had a national reputation in the industry. You can read more about it here in the Credit Union Times.

What follows is a trimmed down version of the remembrance I shared at his funeral. I share it here because my leadership journey began here. It is my hope you will look at the leadership lessons you can learn close to home as well. It better prepares you for the lessons you can learn elsewhere.

Remembering the Leadership Lessons

So I am up here today to make the speech you secretly hope you won’t have to make, yet deep down know one day you will.

And while I make a living making speeches, I have found this one to be one of the hardest to make. At the same time, it was one of the easiest. Hard because of the circumstances, easiest because there are so many things I could say about my father. The content is there in the life he lived but I was told to keep this short so the challenge is editing it down.

I am the namesake of Paul F Simkins Sr. Many will tell you we share more than just a name; some of it good and some not so good.

We both had to deal with sleep apnea, hypertension, and a tendency for gout. We both have had to deal with issues with our weight. Large noses run in the family. As I have joked several times recently, we tend to be a phlegmatic family. That was inherited.

Yet there is many more good things that I got than bad. The lessons I learned from my father through his words and his actions. From him I learned what to do and even what not to do. It’s these leadership lessons that stay.

Dad taught us to be faithful. Attendance and participation in church was expected and encouraged. Being an active part of the faith community was important. He built relationships with the pastors and would ask them questions and challenge them. In the end, Dad became comfortable with his pending death because, in his words, “I know where I am going.”

He taught us that family came first. Whether he was taking us on an adventure, or to baseball practice, or Boy Scouts, or dance class – sitting around the house or disciplining us he never left any doubt as to how important we were. Like most families, we had our moments but they were just that – moments. When the smoke cleared we were still family and the bond was still important. Even as we the children went off and established our own lives, much of it still revolves around the family as a whole.

Dad taught us presence. Having been involved as a teen, Dad loved Drum and Bugle Corps. When I had a chance to join one, he came along with me and participated in coaching the drum line. I joined little league and they needed a manager for the team or there wouldn’t be a team. There was Dad. Same with Scouting. We needed a Scoutmaster or no troop. There was Dad. As a result, the influence he had was not just on me, but on dozens of other kids and adults over the years. I am a Scouter today because my son, Charlie, is passionate about Scouting and because of the lesson I learned from Dad to care for and influence others.

He was there for people in his business as well. Several managers and executives in the financial services business will acknowledge they owe their career path to Paul Simkins. He saw potential, gave them an opportunity, mentored them, and helped them to shine.

Dad taught me how to love your wife and make her a priority. As important as we children were, it was very clear to us where we stood in the pecking order. Dad’s world, first and foremost, revolved around his bride, Martha Jo – Mom to me. He was fully devoted to her, loving, affectionate, and thoughtful. I’ve tried to model that in my relationship with my wife, Sherry. You’ll have to ask her whether or not I have succeeded.

He taught us humor. Ask anyone who knew Dad and they will talk about how he was funny, entertaining, that he had a great sense of humor. One of our favorite pictures we included in the slide show is of several of his grandchildren sitting around him on the couch. He was supposed to be reading the Christmas story to them, yet in the picture all of the children are practically rolling around the floor laughing. You just know he said something – a funny voice, a funny name, something silly – that made them delight in peals of laughter. He brought humor into his workplaces and his interactions with others. He used it as a tool to connect with people and make them feel at ease around him. It speaks volumes that many of the memories shared about him revolve around that.

My father’s life was a model of how to care for, connect with, and influence others. Not a perfect model to be sure but an effective one. His influence lives on forever in my life and the lives of so many others where he made a difference.

What lessons are there for you within your family? Within your community? What have you learned that stuck with you? Share your thoughts here or email me at psimkins@BoldlyLead.com.

My Kids Are My Heroes….Here’s Why

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Leaders and Heroes Overcome and Stand Out

The Victory of a Moment for Heroes

This week we celebrated as my two youngest graduated high school. One after the other they walked from behind the curtain, accepted their diploma, and strode off the stage. It was incredibly exciting for them and joyful for Sherry and I.

As mundane as that sounds, it was a triumphant event. It is also a big reason why I gave the title to this post that you see.

It requires a little background, so bear with me.

You Want Humble Beginnings?

All our children were adopted from foster care. Adopted children always have challenges. Some have have enjoyed the benefit of being adopted as a newborn and thus never know any environment than the one with their adoptive parents. Ours were exposed to other environments less favorable, in some cases deplorable.

My two youngest, a boy and a girl, were both adopted at the age of two. In fact, their birthdays are exactly two weeks apart. We have jokingly called them “The Twins” even though they came from different birth families. Their backgrounds were varied.

My son was born in a house full of neglect and squalid conditions. There was also a very inconsistent adult influence. He came to us just as he turned two. Over time we saw that he was speech delayed and even later found out that he is on the Autism Spectrum. The results of that and other disorders created difficulties with relationships with teachers and others. Too many others around him and too much change created chaos for him. Changing situations created a lot of “do-overs” for him.

My youngest daughter was born premature and drug-addicted. Spent months in an incubator. Pediatric Asthma and prone to Febrile Seizures. When she first came into our lives we wondered if she was ever going to talk. Now we wonder if she is ever going to stop!

History Does Not Dictate Your Future

Both have risen from those backgrounds to become high school graduates with college ahead. He wants to become an engineer and she wants to become a voice-over artist for Disney.

They are My Heroes

because they overcame the odds. Like many, they navigate the challenges of daily life. But think about running a race where you have to start 20 yards behind everyone else. You have a lot of space to make up just to catch everyone else.

So Why Am I Sharing This Here?

You mean, other than a Blatant Dad-Brag?

I’m not above it and happy to do so. I am extremely proud of what they have done and who they are.

It is also because as a leader it tells me that where and what I have been in the past doesn’t keep me from being what I should be going forward.

If you have been the harsh, task-oriented leader in the past (or even the present) where employees were just assets – you are not doomed to stay that way.

If you have focused only on your own success, hogged all the credit and disseminated all the blame – today is the day you can start a new path.

Nothing condemns you to repeat your failures except your unwillingness to take a new direction.

If you are ready to become the leader your employees want to willingly follow – know that you can.

What’s holding you back?

Six Reasons Leaders Are Great Listeners And How to Add It to Your Arsenal

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Are You a Great Listener?

Have you ever run into someone who seems to an excellent listener? Did you think they must have been born with it?

Truth is we are born to be lousy listeners. What listening we typically pick up tends to be determined by our training and environment.

For example, ancient man learned to listen carefully for the sounds of predators that may threaten his clan but probably turned off the chatter of his wife and kids. HIs job was detecting and protecting against danger, so his on-the-job training was in listening for threats. The need for food drove him, so as part of his training he learned to listen for signs of potential food sources he could hunt down. Nothing else mattered and so he wasn’t trained to listen to it.

A Good Listener is NOT Natural

At least, not naturally a good listener unless our instincts draw our focus to something. So we listen for signs of danger and we listen for opportunity to provide for ourselves. Everything else just whizzes by like an endless stream of 1s and 0s.

Too Much Listening to Do

Our world has changed, however, and there is much more listening we MUST do and much more to which we MUST listen. The challenging of listening is multiplied exponentially for leaders.

For a leader to succeed he has to be aware of the thoughts of his team; each person’s mindset, attitude, aspirations, and ideas. Leaders must have an antenna constantly in tune with the broadcast of each and every employee or team member.

[tweetthis]Leaders must have antennae tuned to the broadcast of every team member. #listening[/tweetthis]

Good Listeners Enjoy a Wealth of Benefits:

Listeners Builds Trust

Trust is the foundation for any relationship or connection. Why? Because when we actively listen to others it means we are telling them that what they have to say matters – that THEY matter. We treat their ego with respect. Nothing shows love, respect, and esteem more than the intent listening ear. Listening connects with others by putting them first.

[tweetthis]Nothing shows love, respect, and esteem more than the intent listening ear. #listening[/tweetthis]

Ever have someone interrupt you in the middle of your thought? How did that make you feel? Interruptions are one of my pet peeves. To me, it signals that someone has no respect for what you have to say; that their thought is more important that yours. We trust people who respect us.

Good Listeners Gain Understanding

When we listen actively we increase our chances of grasping what someone is really trying to say. Far too often, we listen just enough to hear the trigger word that allows us to formulate and deliver a reaction, usually negative. You cannot truly understand when your own thoughts get in the way. Active listeners learn to put their own thoughts aside to consider others.

Effective Listeners Add to their Knowledge Bank

The purpose of communication in general is to gather or exchange information. Great leaders know that by being a good listener they get more information. Information is invaluable to a leader. Things you need to know such as how people are really feeling about things, their likes and dislikes, their dreams and desires, and what they value. The more you know, the better you can serve them.

Listeners Create Pause

The stillness of listening allows us to absorb and think through rather than react. Too many leaders tend towards react; thinking that as a leader they must be able to make immediate decisions and reactions. I have to temper myself constantly with this, being a highly interactive and fast-paced person. I remind myself to listen and not react. The stillness of listening and not reacting allows me be more deliberate, make better decisions, and respond instead of react.

Active Listeners Encourage Connection

People connect with people who can empathize and relate to them. They don’t want judgement and really don’t want answers. Philip Stanhope, once Earl of Chesterfield, said that “most people would rather you heard their story than granted their request.” When you listen to their story, value it and them, you open up the clear path to deeper connections. Until you connect, you cannot influence or lead.

True Listeners Discover Sparks of Creativity

Listening allows new thoughts and new ideas to enter our consciousness. I often find that something someone else says ignites an idea in my mind. From that also comes collaboration – working together to build and bring an idea to fruition. In addition, once you demonstrate your willingness and ability to listen, people will open up to you even more with the seeds for great ideas.

How to Start Listening Better

MAKE THE SPEAKER THE PRIORITY
In that moment, the speaker needs ALL of your intention. Put the smartphone down, stop tapping the keys on the keyboard, don’t do anything else but focus on the speaker.
MAKE EYE CONTACT
Eye contact lets them know you are paying attention and that you value them. Here’s the caveat: don’t start them down. In general, make eye contact about 60-80% of the time.
ASK QUESTIONS
Don’t interrupt them, but ask questions that help seek clarity. Jim Rohn used to say one of the best phrases to use to spark conversation is simply to say “That’s interesting! Tell me more!“
REPEAT THE MESSAGE
After they finish, repeat back them what you understood them to say. This allows them to either affirm or correct your understanding. This insures the message is fully received. Begin with “What I heard you say is…” and finish with “Is that correct?” Then let them confirm it or change it.

What is the biggest challenge you face to become a better listener? Share when you feel you listened very well and what resulted from it. Share when you experienced a bad circumstance from someone not listening well.

Don’t want to share your story here? Email me at psimkins@BoldlyLead.com

How the Right Corporate Culture Keeps Your Customers From Kicking and Screaming

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Let’s Lay It on the Line! United Airlines Corporate Culture Failed!

Corporate Culture drives customer service and this story is a great example. By now, if you aren’t hiding in a cave, you have likely seen the video of a United Airlines customer being dragged down the aisle by Chicago Police. If you haven’t, you view it here.

United Airlines Passenger Removed Forcibly

If you are not outraged, you should be. And this is just one of the many errors in judgement that has created problems for United.

Do you remember “GuitarGate“? United insists on checking a performer’s expensive guitar- the one he makes a living with – and damages it while loading.
How about when United threw an girl with Autism Spectrum Disorder and her family off the plane?
At another time United removes a passenger from the boarding list because she complained about the bad service.

And there are other incidents documented out on the Internet, but you get the idea.

Operational Excellence is NOT a Corporate Culture

According to story by NPR in 2015, United had one of the worst records of customer satisfaction, poor record of on-time performance, and other issues; making it the lower tier of the airline industry. More recent studies show slight improvement but still rank United near the bottom.

United has struggled with that image for years. In an effort to become more profitable, United placed “operational excellence” as their high priority, shrugging off concerns of customer service in favor of cost-cutting and efficiency.

No Service, No Excellence

And now they not only have poor customer service standards, but it seems that excellence is eluding them as well.

See, operational excellence may be a strategy for running an organization but it can’t be the only one. It certainly can’t be the high priority. More so, operational excellence cannot be the driver for the culture of the organization.

And at United Airlines, it apparently is.

A Corporate Culture of Re-Accommodating

Following the hoopla over this latest episode of dragging the doctor off the plane, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz issued the following statement:

“This is an upsetting event to all of us here at United. I apologize for having to re-accommodate these customers. Our team is moving with a sense of urgency to work with the authorities and conduct our own detailed review of what happened.”

I didn’t even know re-accommodate was a word, but let’s not go there. It’s not so much what Munoz said as what he didn’t say. He didn’t say “this is not the way we do business here!” or “I apologize to David Dao and we will do whatever is necessary to make it right”.

In fact, what Munoz did allegedly do was send a letter to the employees on Sunday praising them for how they handled the situation and for following operational procedures.

In doing so, Munoz reinforced that employees are not to think but simply follow operational parameters even to the extreme.

Lack of Empowerment

Travel Blogger Patrick Smith on his blog Ask the Pilot says it is a prime example of the lack of empowerment in the airline industry as a whole, not just at United. He makes the point that in the case of David Dao it never should have come to the point of dragging him off the plane. There had to be a better solution and yet no one bothered to figure it out.

Why?

Smith essentially says it’s because the United Airlines corporate culture doesn’t support it. The culture emphasizes following procedure over finding solutions. Have you ever had a boss essentially tell you that you were not paid to think or make decisions? I believe (and I think Patrick Smith agrees with me) that is what is happening here.