The Message They Give When They Say It’s Not Personal

Michael Corleone Sets a Tone for Many a Businessman

It’s a well remembered piece from the movies. That scene in The Godfather when Michael Corleone comes up with the plan to kill the rival mob boss and the corrupt police chief in one fell swoop. His brother Sonny laughs it off and reminds him that it is business and he is taking it personally. Michael replies “It’s not personal Sonny. It’s strictly business!”

It’s Not Personal

Have you ever heard somebody tell you, “don’t take it personal, it’s just business!” It seems to happen whenever does something that they know is going to upset someone else. It’s a popular way to justify treating others badly for our own personal gain. It helps to avoid the emotional aftermath of a highly charged exchange.

It’s hard to say if it occurred before The Godfather came out or not. Yet for a long time, there was an emphasis on separating your personal life from your business life. After all, business is business. When you are at work there is simply work. Personalities, lives, emotions, the things that make us human all have no place in the world of business. Right?

Don’t Buy the Lie

But the truth is you spend 1/3 of your day involved in the work that you do. Think about that for a moment. A twenty-four hour day. Let’s say you sleep for 6-8 hours (lucky you!). There is from 1/4 to 1/3 of your day right there; leaving 16 hours. Therefore, if you work full-time then a minimum of 50% of your waking hours is spent at work.

So you are being asked to put aside everything that is happening in your life for that 8+ hours. The stress not only of your life but your career as well. And when someone does something that causes a well-up of emotion in you, you are being asked to squelch it because, after all, it’s only business.

It’s ALL PERSONAL!

Don’t believe it! You are emotionally invested in the work you do. If you’re not, you have a whole other problem. I recommend changing jobs. You cannot perform your best unless you are emotionally invested. As a result, the work you do cannot help but be personal.

But it’s not to be taken personally. And that’s the key.

The Fine Line

So if it is all personal but not to be taken personally, how do you do that? Admittedly, it’s not easy. Especially when we emotionally invested there is a tendency to think that anything that gets in our way was put there specifically to stop us.

There is where the development of emotional maturity comes in. When we are emotionally secure we learn to express emotion, to feel it, and yet not let it push out of control. We balance the rational and the emotionally charged.

How to Avoid Taking It Personally

Here are four steps that are going to help you along that way to developing emotional maturity.

Recognize your true value.

Be always aware of what it is you add to a situation to make it better. When you understand what your true value is then you are less likely to take things personally.

Understand that no one really targets you personally.

Most people are way too wrapped up in their own lives to spend much time thinking about you. So when you think that someone is out to get you, actually they are probably not. I’m sure you have probably had your kids come to you and tell you, oh this teacher hates me. And the teacher probably isn’t giving them a second thought when they get home.

Take the time to communicate and listen with your leaders.

Communicate to them what your desires are, what your concerns are. But also listen to the input they have for you because you are going to find that a lot of times the reality is a lot different than your perception.

When you talk, avoid hyperbole.

Avoid saying things like “you always do this” or “you never do that”. Also avoid the negative people that are going to affect your life.

If you take these steps, you are going to get closer to being able to emotionally invest in your life and not take things personally.

What are your coping methods? How do you separate being personal and not taking it personally? Leave your comments here or email me at psimkins(at)BoldlyLead.com.

And How to Add Them to Your Toolbox

It is complicated and challenging being the leader. Especially a leader with a position of authority.

Demands are everywhere. Demands for more efficiency, more productivity. Do more with less. Keep everyone engaged. Reduce turnover. Make a profit. Get the reports in on time. Get more clients or customers. Answer emails. Hire good people. Get rid of unproductive employees. Fix problems.

It’s easy to get lost in all that. It’s also easy to forget what you were put there to do to begin with.

Your primary job, no matter your title, is to Boldly Lead your team.

What does it mean to Boldly Lead?

To Boldly Lead means to be strong and courageous when facing the demands of the day. It means to always place your primary focus on the people in your team and providing them with what they need to accomplish their goals or deadlines. It means to protect your team when they need protecting.

To Boldly Lead means grabbing the corners of the blanket and shaking them forward; giving them hope and vision. It means navigating for them and bringing clarity in all situations.

To Boldly Lead means you place people first, because it is only through your people that things get done consistently and productively.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#BoldlyLead” url=”http://ow.ly/B5b3309TP7a” display_mode=”box”]To Boldly Lead means that your people are your highest priority at work![/tweetthis]

Boldly Lead with Critical Skills

If you want to Boldly Lead your team, there are tools you need to be ready to pull out and use constantly and consistently.

Empathy

To show empathy for others means that you have an interest in and relate to other people’s feelings. We show concern for when members of our team have issues, especially when those issues have a lot of emotional content. In an interview in Success Magazine, noted author Simon Sinek says it is as simple as saying the words “Is everything OK?”

He gives a great example that he documented in his book Leaders Eat Last. In an interview with a Marine Corp officer about what makes them so special; why every Marine is ready to lay their life on the line for each other. The officer said you could go to any Marine Corp mess hall and you would see that the least in rank eat first and the high officers last. Putting the needs of our team members – especially their emotional needs – before our own goes a long way towards showing that they are important. What you get in return is commitment.

Start with asking. “How are things going?“, “Are you ok?“, “How are you feeling?” And then listen. Don’t judge, don’t try to fix.

LISTEN.

Emotional Intelligence

More than just a buzzword, it’s an important skill for a leader.

Author and psychologist Daniel Goleman identifies five qualities you must demonstrate to achieve a level of emotional intelligence:

Self-awareness
Self-regulation
Motivation (or passion)
Empathy
Social Skills

In other words, it’s not just enough to be self-aware (“I know I am a jerk sometimes”) we must also learn to control that and have the passion for others to want to, the empathy to understand how it impacts others, and the social skills to implement it.

Emotional Intelligence can only be effectively achieved through a commitment to daily personal growth. Develop a plan of intentional growth that helps you become more aware of your strengths and weaknesses, and follow a specific plan of daily improvement.

Strategic Planning

This is where vision and navigation come in. Seeing the road ahead and the path to take. Anticipating the roadblocks and obstacles and knowing how to overcome them or get around them. Coaching your team on how to move ahead and stay consistent with your mission and values.

Communication

Author and former presidential speech writer James Humes says it best: “The art of communication is the language of leadership.”

Is it any wonder that survey after survey, year after year, identifies communication as the number one skill sought by employers?

Learn and develop active listening skills. Study not just what to say but how to say it. Understand how personality types affect how we communicate. You will use this tool every day, all day.

Calendar

What does a calendar have to do with being a leader?

Use it to schedule your personal growth time (minimum 30 minutes a day), your reflection and navigation time. Everything you absolutely need to do.

I don’t know who originally said, but I heard it from Michael Hyatt: “What gets scheduled gets done.”

What else? Fill in the calendar with every person’s birthday, partner’s birthday, anniversary, children’s birthday, work anniversary, and other significant dates. Add a reminder to each. Make a point of recognizing each of them.

Making them important by remembering what’s important to them.